Christmas

It’s the end of the year, it’s the end of a lot of things – a sentence that has started my annual recap for over two decades now.

And while it’s always been easy for me to look back and identify the things I want to leave in the past, I seem to find it hard to see all the things I’d like to take with me into the next year.

Maybe that's the work, though. The quiet practice of learning to hold onto joy with the same grip I use for worry.

This year, I finally made the flat I moved into last year feel like home. Tall bookshelves that required a ladder to assemble, too many pillows (a problem I refuse to acknowledge), and light that falls differently through the windows depending on the season. It gave me a neighbourhood to explore – the kind where you befriend the local shopkeepers, start to recognise the dogs long before their owners, and where Rufus has accumulated more friends than I have mugs (another problem that won’t be acknowledged).

I turned strangers and acquaintances into real friends who show up for you at odd hours, who'll listen to your spiralling at 2 a.m. and trust you with their own unraveling in return.

But here's what I'm trying to leave behind, like old furniture that doesn't fit the new space: the grudges I've been maintaining like dying houseplants. The overthinking that turns every decision into a Choose Your Own Adventure book where all the endings are catastrophic. The instinct to map out worst-case scenarios as if preparing for disaster is the same as preventing it.

And this one's the hardest: I'm learning to set boundaries. Firm ones. The kind that don't come with apologies attached, or lengthy explanations, or the small hope that people will understand why they're necessary.

So I'm heading into this next year more optimistic than usual, which feels both terrifying and possible. Like opening a window in winter, cold and clarifying all at once.

So, merry Christmas & a happy new year, I guess. Here's to the things worth keeping, and the courage to let go of everything else.

See you on the other side!